IMPACTED; loosing a son to suicide

When I met my spouse twelve years ago we each had two children. Ranging from ages seven to twenty-two years of age. We both had complicated pasts, however based on our Christian beliefs we were we confident  our future as man and wife held promise. On the other hand 'red flags' presented themselves during our time of courting, waving extravagantly warning us of the storms ahead.

The children pretended to be happy for us, however deep down they were all terrified. All  presented some form of acting out prior to our marriage and during the first five years of our marriage.  The stories would take the rest of my life time to describe!  Our faith was often wavered, but Gods grace and merci held us up. We landed up in pastoral counseling, family counseling, individual counseling, bible studies, alanon meetings, co-dependency groups, AA meetings, church hopping, and more. 

Backpacks and purses- unique, hand sewn by Donna

The timing was perfect. I was enjoying a summer afternoon with my vibrant grandchildren, who are sprouting like 'sunflowers' not weeds! Changing outfits during the day was a frequent activity, as to fit in with our next adventure! My granddaughter grabbed a pair of her jean shorts from the prior summer. Not surprising, she had 'outgrown' her favorite shorts. I pondered saying, "time for a second hand store run"!  They agreed. I then had an ah-huh!

Later that week the shorts came out of the 'give away' box and I began cutting. Taking into consideration my granddaughters favorite colors and personality, I pulled together various nick knacks to 'doll' up the unfinished project. Before I knew it, I had created a purse with her outgrown jean shorts. I then showed my spouse the final project. I can count on his rigourous honesty and was prepared for the truth. He gave me a thumbs up and a bravo. This was my prompting!  
On my granddaughters birthday I decided to hand deliver her new purse (once jean shorts). When I arrived, my granddaughter was escorting her two friends to their mothers car. She was excited to open her gift with her friends present. She examined the purse carefully and looked at me with a precious smile, saying "I love it Nana, these were my shorts"! One of her friends then said, "how cool is that?" The girlfriends excitably asked me if I could make them a purse. Their mother carefully looked over the purse and commented, "what a clever idea and so cute!" I was naturally over joyed, the purse got a plus! I agreed to make them a purse using their outgrown jean shorts.

The process continues!

Three days after the first year of our sons suicide, I recognized a definite pattern in myself and spouse. This pattern was not established until after Luke's death (name changed). My spouse is most often glued to the TV (from 5 pm until he retires for the night), which is unusual for him.  If he has to labor at all, he jumps up like a race horse as if competing to get to the 'finish line'. On his way to the 'finish line', the tasks that many of us get use too and automatically complete, such as; turning out the lights, locking the door, shutting the garage, or grabbing a jacket are often left undone or they have to be well thought out and 'quickly'.  For myself I appear to be more focused on the one thing I am doing, but  have a difficult time doing two things at once, (which is unusual considering I was multi-tasked a year ago)!  This is one piece of the upside down cake...I assume, when going through this grief process.

I often tell myself this is getting easier, but in all reality it is getting different. I have had a 'head to toe' encounter with myself trying to justify some of my peculiar behaviors. For instance, I will turn off the road without a plan, find a path, usually by water, and walk for hours. Often not seeing where I am going a mile into it, due to the sweat that is pouring over my eyes or the tears!   My spouse the 'race horse' will often pack up like he is going to Alaska to fish. In summary the behaviors are rather unpredictable.  I praise God, my spouse and are able to recognize the grief and allow ourselfs the freedom to do just that.

If anyone really witnessed, David and I in our home it may look fairly normal. Deep down inside we are like two kids, waiting to see whats behind the corner. Sounds nutty huh. I have been told we are not nuts (whew), but we are suicide survivors, going through emotions as if we were wheat going through the harvesting process. Is it over? Not.

Through all of this I can say that I have drawn closer to Christ, but I often implore HIM for answers as to why or just feel confused. I am reminded, there is no real end, if you know Jesus. Believers will be lifted up and out of her, and we will rein with HIM forever.  Hallelulia!  Jesus says 'here my words', through out the New Testament.  One day I will see Luke again, as I am continuously reminded!  John 3:16 is my daily reminder! Colorurday and pray. Donna