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COLORURDAY

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TABOO TOPIC BUT NEEDED

One year and 42 days ago we lost our son age, 24 to suicide. It’s not that suicide took him he chose it. For instance the cancer victim is taken by cancer and by no choice of their own in most cases. The point is; there is no closure when the tragic decision of a person is suicide.

The first year was a mind debate, which included the; WHAT IF’S, I SHOULD HAVE, I COULD HAVE, I DIDN’T DO, I WASN’T THERE, IF HE WOULD HAVE TOLD US, WHY ME, WHY US, WHAT ABOUT ALL HIS LOVING FAMILY, AND ON AND ON.

The last month has gotten easier, and the GUILT has been trampled upon. The shame is still swinging, ever so slightly. As there is a social stigma attached to 'suicide' or folks just don’t know how to respond. I think it could be called 'suicidal phobia'

I grew up in a home where our problems stayed in the home, 'do not talk, do not tell, do not feel.’ To talk about the death of a loved one to suicide is risky. To say his name, when thinking about him, or answer questions that some folks have, is all so foreign.

By literally forcing myself to think differently about the death of my step son to suicide has been useful. It is vital to understanding that others who want to offer support are often lost for words. Friends want to be friends, but do not know where to start. The suicide survivor can help these awkward moments, by educating the inquisitive and compassionate friend. That is stepping out; it’s like putting on a new pair of glasses.

Some friends suggest moving, I tell you first hand that would not matter. The triggers would still come rather moving to Alaska or Venezuela. We cannot run from this or drown out the pain,’ where ever we go there we are’. ‘The only way through it - is through it’ (John Wayne).

Our spiritual walk has been enhanced as a result of the trauma. The choice was easy; to move far way from our Creator, OR move towards our loving Creator. HIS hands continue to carry us. I am sure that HE doesn’t cause pain but HE sure doesn’t waste pain either! This information is coming from me, a first hand survivor of a child to suicide. Experience is the best teacher.

Thank God for the church, our pastor, prayers, and acceptance from others. Thank God for you the reader! The survivors who shared their experience, strength, and hope with us feed us water as if in a deserted desert. The aftermath on other family members is set aside for another day.

This topic is not one I ever-ever deemed to be sharing on a blog. Nor do I profess in any way to be a professional offering service! The truth be known; suicide happens, 1 in 68 by this method of violence (using a weapon) and are mostly Caucasian.

If I can help one survivor through this or touch another if in a contemplative stage of suicide, I praise the 'HOLY  NAME of JESUS'. I praise the Holy Name of Jesus.

Please respond, and I won’t be offended, this is the least of my worries.

In HIS Almighty Name I share. Love Raine

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Stepping Out in Faith!

This Brown 'cackie' backpack is the latest addition to my 'Colorurday Backpacks and Purses'. This was created from a used pair of Capri's. Talk about 'going green'. Never in my wildest imagination would I think I would be sitting at a sewing machine and enjoying it. God has a purpose for all of us, no matter where we stand, sit, or lay down.

We all know time is short and God knows I have wasted much of it on my own 'self will run a riot ideas' which ended up fruitless and often expensive. So I pray for ideas and they come. The Heavenly Creator is 'creative.  Exam a sunset, the intense flow of a river, the birth of a newborn, or a rainbow. We will be without excuse at the amazing love and power of our Creator! 

I would love it if you jumped aboard my blog, as you would really Bless me!   Love Raine.

Front of backpack. Strapping is adjustable

Backside of Backpack, Velcro used for the closure of pack. 

IMPACTED; loosing a son to suicide

When I met my spouse twelve years ago we each had two children. Ranging from ages seven to twenty-two years of age. We both had complicated pasts, however based on our Christian beliefs we were we confident  our future as man and wife held promise. On the other hand 'red flags' presented themselves during our time of courting, waving extravagantly warning us of the storms ahead.

The children pretended to be happy for us, however deep down they were all terrified. All  presented some form of acting out prior to our marriage and during the first five years of our marriage.  The stories would take the rest of my life time to describe!  Our faith was often wavered, but Gods grace and merci held us up. We landed up in pastoral counseling, family counseling, individual counseling, bible studies, alanon meetings, co-dependency groups, AA meetings, church hopping, and more. 

COLORURDAY BACKPACKS

Unemployed but still working!
1.) yellow-Tinkerbell small 2). Rainbow-medium 3.) Tye Dye -medium
4.) Laced -purple large 5.) Laced-navy,beige-large
not shown  6.) Peace - medium 7.) Pinkie-extra small  8.) Black beauty-large

Have a blessed day the choice is yours! Raine

 http://hubpages.com/hub/Never-Never-Give-Up  Hook up with my sister too! Fascinating and gifter writer for the Lord!  

COLORURDAY

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Backpacks and purses- unique, hand sewn by Donna

The timing was perfect. I was enjoying a summer afternoon with my vibrant grandchildren, who are sprouting like 'sunflowers' not weeds! Changing outfits during the day was a frequent activity, as to fit in with our next adventure! My granddaughter grabbed a pair of her jean shorts from the prior summer. Not surprising, she had 'outgrown' her favorite shorts. I pondered saying, "time for a second hand store run"!  They agreed. I then had an ah-huh!

Later that week the shorts came out of the 'give away' box and I began cutting. Taking into consideration my granddaughters favorite colors and personality, I pulled together various nick knacks to 'doll' up the unfinished project. Before I knew it, I had created a purse with her outgrown jean shorts. I then showed my spouse the final project. I can count on his rigourous honesty and was prepared for the truth. He gave me a thumbs up and a bravo. This was my prompting!  
On my granddaughters birthday I decided to hand deliver her new purse (once jean shorts). When I arrived, my granddaughter was escorting her two friends to their mothers car. She was excited to open her gift with her friends present. She examined the purse carefully and looked at me with a precious smile, saying "I love it Nana, these were my shorts"! One of her friends then said, "how cool is that?" The girlfriends excitably asked me if I could make them a purse. Their mother carefully looked over the purse and commented, "what a clever idea and so cute!" I was naturally over joyed, the purse got a plus! I agreed to make them a purse using their outgrown jean shorts.

Colorurday and pray.

It was beyond my wildest imagination that the tragic loss of my 24 year old step son, would end by suicide. One year ago today, it seemed as though I was driving my car with cardboard across the entire windshield. At this jumping off point; I had a choice, drive off of a cliff or have Faith in the Sovereignty of Almighty God. It is a MUST to build your 'house upon a rock, not upon sand' as Jesus described on the 'Sermon of the Mount' (Matt. 7:24-25). Will anyone who had a relationship with this young, bright, handsome man, ever get use to it? NO but one can get through it. Colorurday and pray.

Tinkerbell Backpack, just created by Colorurday.

TINKERBELL Backpack; with Velcro fastening.

Backpack for a child, is created from the child's own jean shorts, size 7 (girls).  All (3) colors and the theme are chosen by the new owner.  The small girl has quite the imagination, I have the sewing machine. Colorurday

 Sold for a  'love offerning'.

Take a minute and be blessed, read on.

I have abandoned the 'ship' for a few days. With school days approaching; a few moms have requested backpacks for their daughters. Thrilled that they appreciate my individual design(s) motivated me to stay with the task at hand. Being unemployed currently in the 'real sense' is not necessarily being without work! God has enlightened me in many aspects and prompted me to use the talents he has given me. My father was an architect,  builder, and art teacher. He told me numerous times, I had lots of 'artsie' in me. The seed was planted at a young age, however not put into fruition until the time was right. that is I have been so busy with my life; wife, grandmother, prior college student,  a worker bee for 32 years. Like most woman who are in the business world, called: work, work, work, lucky to cram in church and a movie on the weekend. I never realized how full my life was until I had 'time' to ponder it. I am never bored, quite the opposite. Between ~ looking for employment at the level of schooling, I have earned, being available to others, and now applying   'artsie' to my days, has  proven to be quit rewarding. Who would have ever thought? When God has a plan  often it is beyond my wildest imagination. I had a mind set that having a college degree, being  in the field of Human Services, was the sure way I could be instrumental.  Loosing my job after numerous years, was devastating, rightly so... However the words of a mentor resonate in my mind often, "you don't know the good news from the bad news Donna!".  Yah' right, I thought.  My mind visioned standing in food lines, visiting churches for financial handouts, and more. Guess what, that did transpire.  During the last eleven  months I have been humbled; as the shoes are on the other foot.  Ah huh, there is another side to a 2 by 4. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6).  Get this~during an interview, I was interviewed by a prior client (who was obviously successful in her recovery).  During the interview, she cried and said, "Thank you Donna for believing in me, that is why I am here".  Is this a blessing or what, to see the success of others, in which I was privileged to be a part of.  God does Bless our diligence to persevere in the toughest of times, as it will be used for are good and glorify HIM.  I have learned that a 'cooperate  pay check' is not the only way to get paid.  For anyone struggling today or in fear (bottom line) have faith in Christ. I am a walking testimony of his promises. How to start if stuck, read the Gospel of John in the New Testament, and will will come alive in your daily walk, I promise. Please give feedback on the backpacks thus far, if interested in ordering one, let me know. Have a blessed day and thank you for your time! Colorurday and pray. Donna

#1 Woman's backpack, size 13" by 15" by: Colorurday, Donna

The process continues!

Three days after the first year of our sons suicide, I recognized a definite pattern in myself and spouse. This pattern was not established until after Luke's death (name changed). My spouse is most often glued to the TV (from 5 pm until he retires for the night), which is unusual for him.  If he has to labor at all, he jumps up like a race horse as if competing to get to the 'finish line'. On his way to the 'finish line', the tasks that many of us get use too and automatically complete, such as; turning out the lights, locking the door, shutting the garage, or grabbing a jacket are often left undone or they have to be well thought out and 'quickly'.  For myself I appear to be more focused on the one thing I am doing, but  have a difficult time doing two things at once, (which is unusual considering I was multi-tasked a year ago)!  This is one piece of the upside down cake...I assume, when going through this grief process.

I often tell myself this is getting easier, but in all reality it is getting different. I have had a 'head to toe' encounter with myself trying to justify some of my peculiar behaviors. For instance, I will turn off the road without a plan, find a path, usually by water, and walk for hours. Often not seeing where I am going a mile into it, due to the sweat that is pouring over my eyes or the tears!   My spouse the 'race horse' will often pack up like he is going to Alaska to fish. In summary the behaviors are rather unpredictable.  I praise God, my spouse and are able to recognize the grief and allow ourselfs the freedom to do just that.

If anyone really witnessed, David and I in our home it may look fairly normal. Deep down inside we are like two kids, waiting to see whats behind the corner. Sounds nutty huh. I have been told we are not nuts (whew), but we are suicide survivors, going through emotions as if we were wheat going through the harvesting process. Is it over? Not.

Through all of this I can say that I have drawn closer to Christ, but I often implore HIM for answers as to why or just feel confused. I am reminded, there is no real end, if you know Jesus. Believers will be lifted up and out of her, and we will rein with HIM forever.  Hallelulia!  Jesus says 'here my words', through out the New Testament.  One day I will see Luke again, as I am continuously reminded!  John 3:16 is my daily reminder! Colorurday and pray. Donna