The process continues!

Three days after the first year of our sons suicide, I recognized a definite pattern in myself and spouse. This pattern was not established until after Luke's death (name changed). My spouse is most often glued to the TV (from 5 pm until he retires for the night), which is unusual for him.  If he has to labor at all, he jumps up like a race horse as if competing to get to the 'finish line'. On his way to the 'finish line', the tasks that many of us get use too and automatically complete, such as; turning out the lights, locking the door, shutting the garage, or grabbing a jacket are often left undone or they have to be well thought out and 'quickly'.  For myself I appear to be more focused on the one thing I am doing, but  have a difficult time doing two things at once, (which is unusual considering I was multi-tasked a year ago)!  This is one piece of the upside down cake...I assume, when going through this grief process.

I often tell myself this is getting easier, but in all reality it is getting different. I have had a 'head to toe' encounter with myself trying to justify some of my peculiar behaviors. For instance, I will turn off the road without a plan, find a path, usually by water, and walk for hours. Often not seeing where I am going a mile into it, due to the sweat that is pouring over my eyes or the tears!   My spouse the 'race horse' will often pack up like he is going to Alaska to fish. In summary the behaviors are rather unpredictable.  I praise God, my spouse and are able to recognize the grief and allow ourselfs the freedom to do just that.

If anyone really witnessed, David and I in our home it may look fairly normal. Deep down inside we are like two kids, waiting to see whats behind the corner. Sounds nutty huh. I have been told we are not nuts (whew), but we are suicide survivors, going through emotions as if we were wheat going through the harvesting process. Is it over? Not.

Through all of this I can say that I have drawn closer to Christ, but I often implore HIM for answers as to why or just feel confused. I am reminded, there is no real end, if you know Jesus. Believers will be lifted up and out of her, and we will rein with HIM forever.  Hallelulia!  Jesus says 'here my words', through out the New Testament.  One day I will see Luke again, as I am continuously reminded!  John 3:16 is my daily reminder! Colorurday and pray. Donna